How God Changed My Heart Through Temporary Infertility
Four years ago at this time, I was preparing for my family of three to go to Haiti on a mission trip. I was rallying the fundraising efforts and preparing to lead our missions team. God was moving in my heart. He was breaking down walls and rebuilding others that had been destroyed or damaged.
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God was doing big things, I knew that. I trusted in Him. I had decided to put my notice in at work. I was ready to be a stay-at-home momma. I loved youth ministry, but it was incredibly clear to me that God was calling my heart to a different path.
You see, my sweet little two (and a half!) year old was the bomb. He was such a little slice of heaven and I felt deep within my soul that I was meant to be a Mom.
Before we were married, I remember having conversations with people about Natural Family Planning, especially when my husband and I would teach Theology of the Body to the teens I worked with. Most of the time, a joke would come up about how we would have ten children and be driving a bus before too long. Well, we were married, and sure enough, four months later that little stick had two pink lines, y’all. But, what I was not prepared for, what was not discussed in my little Catholic circle, was the reality of infertility. I had not truly opened my heart to the scriptures that showed how God would open and close wombs. I had not considered He would ever close mine. Until now.
I began reading my Bible with new experiences shaping my view and, as it often does, the Living Word provoked new inspiration, encouragement, and comfort in my weary heart. Maybe we were supposed to be a missionary family. Maybe we were supposed to foster or adopt. Maybe we were meant to bloom right where we were planted. I was not sure, so I asked God to make His will clear to us during this mission trip to Haiti. I hoped that God would reveal if this is where He wanted our little family to serve, or somewhere similar. Even if He chose not to reveal a single thing, I was determined to find joy and purpose in my daily life.
And you know what? I did. I was completely at peace with having one child, instead of the bus full I had thought of for so long. I was glad to have peace with my husband and joy injected in our little home. I was far from perfect, but looking back, I did experience true joy in this little desert God had led me to. I clinged to Him in my moments of doubt and my faith grew so much. My whole perspective as a woman, sister, friend, daughter, and human changed.
I remember the first time I admitted to anyone besides my husband that we wanted more children, but were having trouble conceiving. I was at a parish event and I tripped. A friend came over and helped me up and made a comment about how he was happy I was not pregnant because I would need a trip to the hospital after that fall. I lost it. He was just being goofy and there was not anything wrong with what he said, but I was bottling up so much and the flood gates gave way.
This time in my life taught me about being tender to others. It taught me that you never know what the struggles a person in facing in the silence of their homes or hearts. It taught me to release judgement. It taught me to love in new ways. It taught me to embrace silence and to trust, unceasingly.
I now have my sweet baby girl that abruptly put and end to our mission trip plans. Which actually made room for my little brother on the trip, who took my spot…God is so good. And our family has gone on to welcome not only a second, but also a third child into our home. I know how incredibly fortunate we are to have even one child, let alone three. But, the year I spent with a closed womb, begging God to fill it, has forever changed me. Tears come to my eyes as I write this, because I am so incredibly grateful for this season of my life and look back to it often. My heart was stretched in ways I did not think possible and I am reminded of the steadfast love of my Jesus. Even if we would have never had another child, I am reminded that I was truly at peace with a new plan: reminding my heart, the heart that dislikes change, that it is okay. Change is possible and necessary, even when you are about as stubborn as they come *raises hand.*
For today, I will trust. And when I cannot seem to find the courage to lay whatever struggle I am facing at the foot of the Cross, I will look back on this time and remember how God changed my heart and plans for the better. I will use this time and the fruits of it to remind myself that releasing is good: letting God run the show is the only right plan! He made all my creativity, so of course, I should trust He has a more creative and perfect answer to whatever I am dealing with.
“For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the LORD—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
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